2.07.15 To Simply Be
I can't just be, be me, be present with my family, be in God's presence and enjoy His delight of me, if I am constantly trying to change, chase change, make the current "Me" better....Improve.
For the past 24 years, that means for the past 8760 days I have woken up almost every day with the thought, "How can I be better?" "How can work to make sure this day is better than yesterday?" "How can I be a better mama?" "How can be a better _____." "How can I have a thicker hair?" "How can I improve my marriage?" "How can I eat cleaner today?" The goals towards change, improvement roll on. I am sure we all have our own lists.
But this morning, I woke up and thought, "What if today, instead of asking and chasing after a changed me, I just was?"
You see I am learning that I can't really love God with my whole heart and those most precious to me if I can not love myself, the me God that created, if I am constantly focused on how I can make me different or better all the time.
I can not be and accept that this time and space is exactly where God wants me to be, if I am always working to be better. I can not rest in His soverignty. I can not rest in the fact that He is the one doing the transforming, He is the one who began a good work in me and He will see it to completion and that it is His spirit working in me, not my efforts that will ever bring about Christ-likeness, the kind of change He desires. (Hebrews 12:2; Gal 5:5).
And if I am looking to constsntly tweak and change the me, that He has shaped me to be by His Spirit, taking all things (even my mistakes, my sins, my struggles) and working them into good, as He has promised, then I am essentially judging, condemning His amazing work, the creation that He has declared "Good." And I am realizing that, that's no good.
How can I say to myself, "I am beautiful, I am God's creation, made by Him and for Him," and mean it if my next thought is "How am I am going to be a better mama?" "How am I going to do this or that better?" "How am I going to get leaner?" "How, How, How?"
It's breaking in on me that I can not know His love, be in His love, if I am constantly chasing after change, chasing after always being better, instead of chasing after Him.
So today, Me, Megan has decided to just be (by His grace). I have asked Him to help me not to look into the mirror and OCD on how I wish I could change my hair or my body, or spend mental energy on how I want to change my circumstances. Today, I want to be in His presence and trust His Holy Spirit to lead and guide me, to transform me bit by bit.
He is calling me just to be- Accept that this day was ordained by Him for me and me (just the way I am) for this day.
We are still in the midst of transition and change, taking things step by step. I look back a year ago when I was laying on the couch unable to move due to my ski accident and the months that followed and can only say, "Wow, this has been a year! A true year of the unexpected." And in it we see how faithfully the Lord has held us up time and again.
Our house is under contract and we are scheduled to move out of it the end of April. We are currently looking for a home in Dallas with the hope to move our things there the end of April as well.
The children will finish school here until the end of May-- we are not sure where we will land for those short weeks, but know it will work out one way or the other.:)
Hunter is going strong out of thier new office in Dallas, thus he is traveling most of the week, either to New York, Dallas or parts unknown. Redbird Capital is off and going, and Hunter is learning, we are learning...... learning more and more about giving grace upon grace to each other and receiving mounds of it from the Lord.
Our adoption of Ruth and Dorcus continues to move ahead if only creep by creep. Our small group of waiting families has begun to gather via webcam to pray over the program, the families, the children once a month, which I love.
The government in the DRC is working on new legislation that would change current adoption laws and hopfully begin allowing families to leave the Congo. But there is no certain timeline on those changes. So we are waiting, praying and putting our trust in God to move the mountains before us to bring them home.
In the midst of unknowns, this we know -- that God is Good, and that He loves us.