11.11.14 In the Midst of the Mess
Updated: Aug 16, 2018
Recently I was challenged to write while in the midst of my struggles, my sin, my messes- instead of waiting until the swirling has past and I have a testimony to share. Does that make sense?
Over the last few weeks I have realized this tendency of mine, one birthed in a church culture of feeling we had to have a "testimony to share" in order to share, or that we had to defend God's reputation by showing how He had worked in our lives. Both not true, but it's how I have felt so often, that it is my responsibility to have a good story before I can share it.
This morning IS one of those moments. I am in the midst of my Mess. Sad. Disappointed with myself, (for lots of reasons) but leading the way is because I purchased and tried a juice cleanse last weekend to detox from all things processed and could not even finish it- so now I am mad I have all this fresh, expensive juice sitting in a cooler that I did not finish. When will I learn? Confused. How could I be so encouraged Sunday and so low today?
I feel that I am in a valley surrounded my these mountains of a move to Dallas; the sale of our house here; the logistics of just trying to go to Dallas tomorrow for two days to look at schools; the question of schools; the transition of our children; the surrender our adoption of Ruth and Dorcus- when will they get here, how will they Lord?; and the loneliness I feel in it all.
I know that I know God is Good, I know that He is able to move these mountains, I know He is faithful, that He is before us, that He is with me. But right now I feel like there is a monkey gripping my chest and I can hardly breathe. I feel guilty for turning to old idols for control, I feel faithless that I can not just "let these things go," and frustrated that have such a hard time sharing my heart that I can not even cry over it all. Am I really wound this tightly?
I read the words of Paul in Philippians 4: 6-7
"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's a wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life."
And so I pray, I write, I try to bring myself back to the present where He is, I let my shoulders drop, I whisper words of praise and I wait.